Rereading the book Reclaiming Youth at Risk: Our Hope for the Future by Brendtro, Brokenleg & Van Bockern in preparation for our book circle reminded me of some truths I have come to know and believe over the years...
Children don't come to school every day with the mindset, "I don't want to be successful today." But we all know that there are days when students hit road blocks that prevent them from having a "successful" day. We can define success in many different ways...academic, behavioral, emotional, etc. It's not our job to judge our children when they hit these road blocks. It is our job to try to understand the behavior and support our children in finding ways to overcome that hurdle. The key to developing relationships with students is to understand their behavior, not judge the behavior.
The quality of human relationships in schools may be more influential than the specific techniques or interventions employed (p.71). Relationships are everything. If we haven't been able to build a positive, caring and trusting relationship with students, we will have great difficulty facilitating successful experiences for them in school. And no one can fix our relationships with children except us. Not the principal, not another teacher, not the parents...we alone are the only ones who can nurture and possibly repair our relationship with our students. No amount of consequence or reward will change a child's behavior if the relationship is broken. Yes, it takes time and patience to gain a child's respect and trust...but the payoff is worth it! Consider Mother Theresa's quote do small things with great love. How can I apply this notion each day in order to build a positive relationship with children?
Crisis is Opportunity (p.76). Instead of bemoaning the difficult situations some of our children create, we can look at each of these situations as an opportunity to build our relationship with them. Sometimes what a child needs more than a good talking to is a good listening to. And sometimes our children aren't ready to talk or ready to do whatever it is we are imposing on them at that moment because they may be operating in a state of stress or anger. No one can think rationally when operating in that state...think of fight, flight or freeze. Avoid getting into power struggles with children...if a child isn't ready to be rational or respectful, this is an excellent teaching opportunity to model respectful behavior. Give them time, give them space, let them know you are ready to LISTEN when they are ready to talk. All too often adult responses to behavioral crisis widen the relationship gap. When we step into the conflict cycle with a child no one wins.
Celebrate little successes rather than falling in love with undesirable behaviors. We all believe that we care about our children and we show it everyday. We all believe that we love the unlovables. Do our actions show it? Do we spend more time celebrating the tiny successes of our difficult youth or do we tend to focus on the poor choices they made all day. Do we root for the child or expect another difficult situation? Every child needs a fan club. I want to be the fan on the sidelines yelling "Good try!" and "You can do it!"...even when they're not listening.
Here is a great video that ties into our book talk. Teacher Appreciation video. Very inspiring.
Thank you for taking the time to read the book and share your affirmations, wonderings and "ah ha" moments with the group. We are better when we are learning and growing together.
Also, thank you Becca for sharing this blog with us. It definitely illustrates our talk about relationships with kids. Momastery Blog.
